Spaced Conversations



It was a picture. I wasn’t expecting it and when I saw you I broke and reverted to 16 year old me. I got giddy, happy and terrified all at once. When I responded you disappeared for a little over a week.

A second picture. This time with a caption, “miss you.” And I knew it was a lie but I didn’t care. I told you I missed you too and I meant it. You disappeared again and because I cant help it I reached out. The shortest conversation ever took place, a quick exchange that strained two responses out of you before radio silence took over a few days.

“Send me a picture,” is what I got next. Stupid in love, even after so many years, I did. We flirted and teased and then you were gone.

I should know better. I do know better, but his hold on me is unlike any other. My love life has been far from fairy tale like and I know I’ll have to live with it because the decisions I make cannot be changed by anyone but me and unfortunately a stupidity hopefully part of me still think there could still be a chance for you and me. There isn’t.

Don’t pine for someone who doesn’t fight for you like you have fought for them, lovelies.

Truly Yours, Jona Constantine.

The Story of Him: The Beginning

Let me tell you a story. At least what I remember of it. It began about 7, 8 years ago, give or take. I had started tenth grade along side my “newly” made best friend, Jo. She and I had met the previous year and hated each other’s guts. One quick match of chess in which we both yelled “check-mate!” at the same time made us solid best friends for years to come. When tenth grade separated us to two different groups it sucked. We also had no choice in the matter so we would meet for lunch and hang with each other often. (We were quite the loners.)

The year was so slow when it began, but one quarter through the year it began to move a lot quicker. Quicker than I was comfortable with. I didn’t want it to end. You see, one quarter through the year I met him. He was the begining of a horrible ending, I’m sorry to say. Of course that’s not how it started.

I remember I was taking the bus back home. The lady driving had a rule. Boys in the front, girls in the back. She was a grumpy lady and I had a Rosa Parks complex. So that day I sat at the front, the second row on the right side. She hadn’t noticed. Yet. Just as she was getting ready to leave, two guys came rushing in laughing and making a ruckus. They sat in front and I recognized one of them. He was my friend, Marcus, and a bit annoying. His friend was no exception. I was intrigued though. He wasn’t the most good looking guy but there was a lot we had in common. Our conversation flowed for the most part and we laughed a lot. Loud. So loud the bus driver lady noticed me and sent me to the back. Though we were just an acquaintance I couldn’t get the boy out of my head. He was fun, funny, smart, and his personality drew me in. I also didn’t get his name and at the time I couldn’t care less.

I never thought I’d see the guy again. One day, while going to lunch at mine and Jo’s favorite hot dog stand we saw the guys. Marcus, Him and some other dude I’d never seen before. Marcus introduced us, realizing none of us had a clue at names. His, Hector, was the name that would send my world in a twirl. And then there was Rob. But he’s not all that important just yet. We quickly became friends. All of us would spent lunch eating spicy hot dogs and getting in trouble. I found my bravery to try new things with Hector, which included jumping a river. Granted I got wet and so did the rest of my Stuff. All my notebooks were goners.

Always laughing, always smiling, always falling harder for him. I don’t know what it was about him, but every day he changed in my eyes. His looks were not an issue before long because to me it was like he went from a frog to prince charming, no kiss needed. (My money is on puberty.)

So this is the story of Him.

Truly Yours, Jona Constantine

Wrong Questions

I’m excited. I’m ecstatic. I’m overwhelmed. I’m overcome.

“Why do you do this to me? You wanna go to a hooka bar? You never been to a hooka bar? Whaaaaat? You wanna go? We gotta go clubbing and walk The Stars in Hollywood.”

These are the questions that helped bring about a disappointment I should have seen coming. You’re not the same person from high school. Sure even back then you were concerned with things better left for a delinquent. Not that clubbing and hooka is a delinquent affair, but your following words broke my heart.

“Tell em you’ll be with me. I wouldn’t let no one hurt you. You know that.”

Those words are meant to make someone feel safe, cared for, loved and protected. What they did was make me sad because I could hear the message behind them. I knew what they truly meant, what you were involved with and the company you kept. Once your innocence was much like mine. Excited over danger but never really tangled with it. That still stands for at least one of us. I miss who you were. I miss your blissful innocence and harmless meddling with danger, until is became a stressing reality that follows you everywhere.

You asked, playfully “oh unless you don’t want to see me?”

At the time I wouldn’t think twice about seeing you. Now? I’m afraid my pull to you will cloud my better judgment.

I don’t. I don’t want to see you. So this time? Stay away. No matter how many times you get the urge to toy with me, no matter how many times I weaken and reach out to you, no matter how bad our “connection” hurls us together.

But let’s be real. I will never see you again. You toy with my feelings and likely get off on making a fool out of me by convincing me that we are meant for each other. I wonder what would have happened to us if you had never moved away.

Where would we be now? Would the innocence have remained? Were we really meant for each other? Would I have done anything for you now as I would have back then?

Wrong questions.

Truly Yours, Jona Constantine

One Contingency, Two Incidents

I have fallen in love. For those of you that believe that falling in love more than once is a myth I assure you it is not. I fell in love once, was at risk of falling in love and then fell in love a second time. Three situations, three different people, one contingency, and two incidents.

I once suffered the full effects of a permanently finalized relationship. It took me forever and a day to finally end it. It was a relationship with many uncertainties. We were on and off for over a year and I wasn’t ready to end it until I found myself at rock bottom. No one knows the real pain that navigates through my heart and plagues my mind. I have told my mother most of the truth because despite everything I can still trust her. I just opted out the parts I know would do more damage than good. Some things are just better left unsaid. Now I’m just trying to get back on my feet, but it’s proven to be very difficult.

Have you ever cried so hard, so deeply, so from the heart that you look yourself in the mirror and suddenly can’t recognize who is staring back at you? I have. It is a terrible experience to not know who you are at times. Take it from me lovelies, love is not something to be messed with. Take it seriously, tread carefully, and be cautious.

Truly Yours, Jona Constantine

No Sales Available

I’m stuck in Pharmacology class listening to a professor that neglects to get and be just a little bit more knowledgeable. I’m so tired, very hungry, and massively thirsty and every soda machine in this tiny ass college is out of order. Talking about “NO SALES AVAILABLE” as if it was out of stock when really it’s filled to the brim and acting necessarily snippy.

Anyway, life has been throwing me shots left and right. It’s getting confusing, but better. It’s a weird combination. Ever since I left the toxic relationship I was in things seem to be improving, but I’m not without my minor issues. Mostly I’m still trying to heal. I’m in pain. Those around me believe that I’m doing just fine, but I’m not. I can’t say that though because no one care how I feel or how much it hurts because everyone else is too busy worrying about their own problems. God knows I’m doing the same so I get it. So I can’t really complain. Let’s me just let it all out…

It hurts so much to know that I gave a year and some change of my life to someone who made me feel more frustration and uncertainty than they did happiness, and love. It hurts to know that this person made me sick, took advantage and manipulated me without giving it much thought, without feeling any sort of guilt. It hurts that I fell so in love only to be easily tossed aside and replaced. It hurts to know that I wasn’t enough. It hurts that I stayed for so long endured so much. It hurts that there were so much doubt rather than endless conversations. It doesn’t hurt that that person is gone, it hurts that that person was never there.

Don’t give yourself completely to someone who won’t do the same. Relationships are a two-way street.

Truly yours, Jona Constantine.

Feelings, Music, and Mistakes

Life has been so complicated. It seems it will never get better. My family sees me and tells me how sad I look, how exhausted, and simply done with life I seem to be. What’s worse is that they make these observations and dare tell me that everything will be ok. But will it? You don’t know that. What’s for you will come, life will get better, focus on yourself right now. I can’t seem to make people shut up about it.

Will it get better? How do you know? Don’t you understand? There’s a fear in me that you will never understand. Not because it’s worse than whatever you have been through, but because you are not me and you can’t possibly know just how my life situations affect me. Don’t try to put yourself in my shoes either because though you may be my same size it will never be the same fit.

I guess the shoe analogy is fitting. I work in a shoe store. Ha… Anyway. Point is that I am and look sad and even though I know that if I really tried I could maybe make myself feel better, but instead I listen to depressing music and make the feelings that are already there even worse. And then I act on that sadness. I impulsively make mistakes and dig myself into a deeper hole.

Moral of this story? Don’t listen to sad music?

Truly yours, Jona Constantine.

Hidden Under the Covers

I feel alone. It’s very depressing when you want to enjoy life so bad, but all the small things are like a tsunami. They wreak havoc and leave no surviving thoughts of happiness. I say they are small, but really I’m aware of how dangerously colossal they are to one so emotion as myself. My life has gone all topsy turvy and I wait for the day when I wake up and I’m actually eager to start my day. As opposed to curling back up under the covers and hiding from the world and all its realities. How do I treat a broken heart? Or is there no true cure?

Truly yours, Jonathan Constantine.

Gym Induced Pain and The Handy Ball Cap

Officially it has been forever. Remember when I said I have a terrible habit to fall off the grid? I don’t blame you if you don’t, but it only goes to show that I have a hard time keeping up with this thing. I miss it though. I miss writing and letting out all my frustrations onto the keyboard.

I’ve been working, studying and going to the gym often. The work and studying is inevitable. But the gym is actually an unnecessary choice. I don’t give a shit about exercising. I don’t want to get fit because I want to be healthy or look good. I couldn’t care less. I actually love how I look. The only reason why I’m going to the gym is because I want to forget. I go to keep my mind busy whenever I have downtime. If not I’d go insane with my thoughts.

I’m alone. I know a while back ago I had a partner and I seemed like I was very happy. But in the time I was away so much happened. I was lied to, manipulated, mistreated, mislead. This has been, by far, the worst of heartbreaks. Now I’m just trying to get back on my feet and deal with the fact that I’ve lost those whom I was closest to. Of course it’s all my fault. While being with my partner I changed so much. I pushed everyone away and lost sight of what was most important to me. I did things I never thought I’d do and now I’m facing the consequences. Little by little I’m getting back on track, but it’s hard. I want to give up most of the time and just disappear into myself.

Being with anyone at all is simply a no no right now. Or any time soon for that matter. My focus needs to be wholly on myself and mending what I broke. Never lose sight of yourself lovelies. It’s a bitch to find your way back.

Truly yours, Jona Constantine.

Nutrisystem And The Rouge Breast Turkey Ham

Early in the morning what do you expect? Certainly not to be told that there may or may not be classes. I wake up to learn that there may not be classes, mind you I’m already half way to the college. So now I’m half hopeful, half frustrated because I’d be more than glad to go home and sleep, but I’ve already made it this far AND I have work later on.

Of course there’s classes today. I know that all too well, or else I’d have gotten an email that would say otherwise. I get on the bus that will take me the rest of the way to college and my friend Andy is there. We talk, we laugh. It’s all normal. We get to the college and we sit down along with our other friend Em. Andy pulls out a sandwich and good golly gosh I’m close to snatching it away if only to get a piece of the ham. All I had this morning was the chocolate muffin the Nutrisystem brings and I’m pretty sure that I won’t survive on that the rest of the morning. So Andy offers half the sandwich and I refuse, putting my strong will into action. Then she offers a piece of the turkey ham… I couldn’t help myself. I ripped a piece and ate it like it was the most glorious thing in the world.

I guess this post doesn’t have much of a point. Don’t starve yourselves kids.

Truly yours, Jona Constantine

90° But it Feels Like 97°

Hello lovelies. It’s been forever. I have a terrible habit of falling off the grid. I know.

Lately I’ve been super busy. Went on my first work trip ever last week and I’ve been picking up insane hours. The problem with all that? My body is not used to this much work and so last night it finally gave in. I had an asthma attack, vomited, and had a panic attack all at the same time. Not fun. Got my partner worried. It got me scolded quite severely. “You need to take better care of yourself, Jona.”

I know that. Better and more than anyone. Anyway, I’ll be trying to update more often. It’s just hard these days to sit down and write.

Truly yours, Jona Constantine