A Pain Much Greater

So… I’m sick. No worries. Nothing terminal, but it is painful. Extremely.

Today I went to an amusement park with a friend, a friend I had argued with the night before. But we always make up somehow. She finally had the courage to tell me she had been pregnant. Had been, she aborted the baby. A baby that was 8 weeks old. I would have tried to convince her of considering adoption instead.

I wish she would have told me sooner.

I got home and showered. While showering I had this sudden pain, like a knife shooting through, like I’d lost all strength. Then I was curled up in the tub waiting for the pain to go away. All the while tears are coming out because it’s painful and because right then my mind decided that it was a good idea to recall last night’s dream.

I remembered him. The man who was older, the man who had begged me to tell him that I loved him the same night he begged me to be his girlfriend. The man who broke me beyond repair and went around sleeping with multiple people.

I got over the fact that I wasn’t enough for him, but my heart is shattered and impossible to repair.

There were so many signs that he was unfaithful and I chose to ignore them. Denial is a powerful mistress. And now I tell my stories with stains on my cheeks from dried up tears.

And now I finish my tales with brimming tears, knowing full well I will cry myself to sleep. So my advice? Don’t be like me. If you notice the signs don’t ignore them. The aftermath is much worse than the current doubts.

Truly Yours, Jona Constantine.

The Story of Him: The Beginning

Let me tell you a story. At least what I remember of it. It began about 7, 8 years ago, give or take. I had started tenth grade along side my “newly” made best friend, Jo. She and I had met the previous year and hated each other’s guts. One quick match of chess in which we both yelled “check-mate!” at the same time made us solid best friends for years to come. When tenth grade separated us to two different groups it sucked. We also had no choice in the matter so we would meet for lunch and hang with each other often. (We were quite the loners.)

The year was so slow when it began, but one quarter through the year it began to move a lot quicker. Quicker than I was comfortable with. I didn’t want it to end. You see, one quarter through the year I met him. He was the begining of a horrible ending, I’m sorry to say. Of course that’s not how it started.

I remember I was taking the bus back home. The lady driving had a rule. Boys in the front, girls in the back. She was a grumpy lady and I had a Rosa Parks complex. So that day I sat at the front, the second row on the right side. She hadn’t noticed. Yet. Just as she was getting ready to leave, two guys came rushing in laughing and making a ruckus. They sat in front and I recognized one of them. He was my friend, Marcus, and a bit annoying. His friend was no exception. I was intrigued though. He wasn’t the most good looking guy but there was a lot we had in common. Our conversation flowed for the most part and we laughed a lot. Loud. So loud the bus driver lady noticed me and sent me to the back. Though we were just an acquaintance I couldn’t get the boy out of my head. He was fun, funny, smart, and his personality drew me in. I also didn’t get his name and at the time I couldn’t care less.

I never thought I’d see the guy again. One day, while going to lunch at mine and Jo’s favorite hot dog stand we saw the guys. Marcus, Him and some other dude I’d never seen before. Marcus introduced us, realizing none of us had a clue at names. His, Hector, was the name that would send my world in a twirl. And then there was Rob. But he’s not all that important just yet. We quickly became friends. All of us would spent lunch eating spicy hot dogs and getting in trouble. I found my bravery to try new things with Hector, which included jumping a river. Granted I got wet and so did the rest of my Stuff. All my notebooks were goners.

Always laughing, always smiling, always falling harder for him. I don’t know what it was about him, but every day he changed in my eyes. His looks were not an issue before long because to me it was like he went from a frog to prince charming, no kiss needed. (My money is on puberty.)

So this is the story of Him.

Truly Yours, Jona Constantine

Wrong Questions

I’m excited. I’m ecstatic. I’m overwhelmed. I’m overcome.

“Why do you do this to me? You wanna go to a hooka bar? You never been to a hooka bar? Whaaaaat? You wanna go? We gotta go clubbing and walk The Stars in Hollywood.”

These are the questions that helped bring about a disappointment I should have seen coming. You’re not the same person from high school. Sure even back then you were concerned with things better left for a delinquent. Not that clubbing and hooka is a delinquent affair, but your following words broke my heart.

“Tell em you’ll be with me. I wouldn’t let no one hurt you. You know that.”

Those words are meant to make someone feel safe, cared for, loved and protected. What they did was make me sad because I could hear the message behind them. I knew what they truly meant, what you were involved with and the company you kept. Once your innocence was much like mine. Excited over danger but never really tangled with it. That still stands for at least one of us. I miss who you were. I miss your blissful innocence and harmless meddling with danger, until is became a stressing reality that follows you everywhere.

You asked, playfully “oh unless you don’t want to see me?”

At the time I wouldn’t think twice about seeing you. Now? I’m afraid my pull to you will cloud my better judgment.

I don’t. I don’t want to see you. So this time? Stay away. No matter how many times you get the urge to toy with me, no matter how many times I weaken and reach out to you, no matter how bad our “connection” hurls us together.

But let’s be real. I will never see you again. You toy with my feelings and likely get off on making a fool out of me by convincing me that we are meant for each other. I wonder what would have happened to us if you had never moved away.

Where would we be now? Would the innocence have remained? Were we really meant for each other? Would I have done anything for you now as I would have back then?

Wrong questions.

Truly Yours, Jona Constantine

The Guy In The Cowboy Hat

Hello my lovelies,

I recently quit my job at a marvelous shoe store. My only regret? Not talking to Cowboy Hat.

Ok in all due honesty the job sucked. The people sucked even harder. It was the worst time of my life, but on to bigger and better things. I wouldn’t quit without having something else up my sleeve of course.

Cowboy hat and I exchanged hellos and polite smiles here and there when he would make his rounds in my store, did I mention he was security?

I’m the most shy person I know. There was no way a conversation would strike up, let alone hold up. So I kept to myself, naturally. Now I live in the part of my head that questions “What if?”

Word of advise lovelies? Take a chance, or live your life regretting everything you don’t try.

Short and sweet.

Truly Yours, Jona Constantine

One Contingency, Two Incidents

I have fallen in love. For those of you that believe that falling in love more than once is a myth I assure you it is not. I fell in love once, was at risk of falling in love and then fell in love a second time. Three situations, three different people, one contingency, and two incidents.

I once suffered the full effects of a permanently finalized relationship. It took me forever and a day to finally end it. It was a relationship with many uncertainties. We were on and off for over a year and I wasn’t ready to end it until I found myself at rock bottom. No one knows the real pain that navigates through my heart and plagues my mind. I have told my mother most of the truth because despite everything I can still trust her. I just opted out the parts I know would do more damage than good. Some things are just better left unsaid. Now I’m just trying to get back on my feet, but it’s proven to be very difficult.

Have you ever cried so hard, so deeply, so from the heart that you look yourself in the mirror and suddenly can’t recognize who is staring back at you? I have. It is a terrible experience to not know who you are at times. Take it from me lovelies, love is not something to be messed with. Take it seriously, tread carefully, and be cautious.

Truly Yours, Jona Constantine

No Sales Available

I’m stuck in Pharmacology class listening to a professor that neglects to get and be just a little bit more knowledgeable. I’m so tired, very hungry, and massively thirsty and every soda machine in this tiny ass college is out of order. Talking about “NO SALES AVAILABLE” as if it was out of stock when really it’s filled to the brim and acting necessarily snippy.

Anyway, life has been throwing me shots left and right. It’s getting confusing, but better. It’s a weird combination. Ever since I left the toxic relationship I was in things seem to be improving, but I’m not without my minor issues. Mostly I’m still trying to heal. I’m in pain. Those around me believe that I’m doing just fine, but I’m not. I can’t say that though because no one care how I feel or how much it hurts because everyone else is too busy worrying about their own problems. God knows I’m doing the same so I get it. So I can’t really complain. Let’s me just let it all out…

It hurts so much to know that I gave a year and some change of my life to someone who made me feel more frustration and uncertainty than they did happiness, and love. It hurts to know that this person made me sick, took advantage and manipulated me without giving it much thought, without feeling any sort of guilt. It hurts that I fell so in love only to be easily tossed aside and replaced. It hurts to know that I wasn’t enough. It hurts that I stayed for so long endured so much. It hurts that there were so much doubt rather than endless conversations. It doesn’t hurt that that person is gone, it hurts that that person was never there.

Don’t give yourself completely to someone who won’t do the same. Relationships are a two-way street.

Truly yours, Jona Constantine.

Feelings, Music, and Mistakes

Life has been so complicated. It seems it will never get better. My family sees me and tells me how sad I look, how exhausted, and simply done with life I seem to be. What’s worse is that they make these observations and dare tell me that everything will be ok. But will it? You don’t know that. What’s for you will come, life will get better, focus on yourself right now. I can’t seem to make people shut up about it.

Will it get better? How do you know? Don’t you understand? There’s a fear in me that you will never understand. Not because it’s worse than whatever you have been through, but because you are not me and you can’t possibly know just how my life situations affect me. Don’t try to put yourself in my shoes either because though you may be my same size it will never be the same fit.

I guess the shoe analogy is fitting. I work in a shoe store. Ha… Anyway. Point is that I am and look sad and even though I know that if I really tried I could maybe make myself feel better, but instead I listen to depressing music and make the feelings that are already there even worse. And then I act on that sadness. I impulsively make mistakes and dig myself into a deeper hole.

Moral of this story? Don’t listen to sad music?

Truly yours, Jona Constantine.

Nutrisystem And The Rouge Breast Turkey Ham

Early in the morning what do you expect? Certainly not to be told that there may or may not be classes. I wake up to learn that there may not be classes, mind you I’m already half way to the college. So now I’m half hopeful, half frustrated because I’d be more than glad to go home and sleep, but I’ve already made it this far AND I have work later on.

Of course there’s classes today. I know that all too well, or else I’d have gotten an email that would say otherwise. I get on the bus that will take me the rest of the way to college and my friend Andy is there. We talk, we laugh. It’s all normal. We get to the college and we sit down along with our other friend Em. Andy pulls out a sandwich and good golly gosh I’m close to snatching it away if only to get a piece of the ham. All I had this morning was the chocolate muffin the Nutrisystem brings and I’m pretty sure that I won’t survive on that the rest of the morning. So Andy offers half the sandwich and I refuse, putting my strong will into action. Then she offers a piece of the turkey ham… I couldn’t help myself. I ripped a piece and ate it like it was the most glorious thing in the world.

I guess this post doesn’t have much of a point. Don’t starve yourselves kids.

Truly yours, Jona Constantine

90° But it Feels Like 97°

Hello lovelies. It’s been forever. I have a terrible habit of falling off the grid. I know.

Lately I’ve been super busy. Went on my first work trip ever last week and I’ve been picking up insane hours. The problem with all that? My body is not used to this much work and so last night it finally gave in. I had an asthma attack, vomited, and had a panic attack all at the same time. Not fun. Got my partner worried. It got me scolded quite severely. “You need to take better care of yourself, Jona.”

I know that. Better and more than anyone. Anyway, I’ll be trying to update more often. It’s just hard these days to sit down and write.

Truly yours, Jona Constantine

Honey Lemon Morning

I shouldn’t be here. There is homework to be done. things to get caught up on. It just so happens that the best entries always come when I should be too busy with other things. Has that ever happened to you? When your mind should be the busiest it’s when it clears up and you know exactly what to write?

Life has given me plenty of ups and downs the last several weeks. College has become a bitch, but currently a more bearable one. I’ve been and left someone and now have someone new in my life. Well, newish. I’ve known this person for nearly a year in July. Just recently we became official. It’s nice. For the first time ever I’m not worried about the future. Not that i don’t want one, but I’m more focused on the here and now. Which is a nice change of pace for someone like me.

Just yesterday I was taking the train home. I was listening to my favorite music and attempting so desperately to write a letter. I wasn’t sure if I was going to give it to the person I’m currently with or not. That was something I would decide after I had written it. Point is that i was failing miserably. Suddenly, in one of the stops, a young lady (most likely older than I though) climbed on the train and sat beside me. I looked at her features. She was beautiful. I looked at her clothing, very business like and professional. The next thing I looked at was her hands. I was searching for any sign of commitment. Unfortunately her left hand was blocked by her phone. I’m quite the social and talkative person, always have been. My issue is that i caught a fear of speaking to people over the years. Where that fear originated is a mystery to me. I decided to take my first step in overcoming it, it took me several minutes but I mustered up the courage to start a conversation with her.

At first she thought I was into her. I asked her if she was married or had a boyfriend. I understand how starting off with a question like that can be misleading. I continued though and asked her what I really wanted to know. “Are you in love with him? And if so how do you know?”

She opened my eyes to so much. She gave me her opinion on it. She said that she can be quite the ball buster, but her and her significant other love each other because they may not have the same goals, but they are on the same team. They support each other and are two people simply making a relationship work. She is not worried if it does not work out, because if it doesn’t it’s not like she will regret marrying him. They challenge each other.

Once she left I went back to my letter. I crossed off all i had written and beneath it wrote the one and only thing that mattered at the time.

“I love you.”

Don’t let the fear of falling in love keep you from loving at all. It could leave you hollow and sad. I’ve learned through trial and error. It is never a good a idea to close off your heart, even if it hurts and it’s been broken countless times. It is much harder to love with a heart that has mostly given up.

Truly yours, Jona Constantine