A Pain Much Greater

So… I’m sick. No worries. Nothing terminal, but it is painful. Extremely.

Today I went to an amusement park with a friend, a friend I had argued with the night before. But we always make up somehow. She finally had the courage to tell me she had been pregnant. Had been, she aborted the baby. A baby that was 8 weeks old. I would have tried to convince her of considering adoption instead.

I wish she would have told me sooner.

I got home and showered. While showering I had this sudden pain, like a knife shooting through, like I’d lost all strength. Then I was curled up in the tub waiting for the pain to go away. All the while tears are coming out because it’s painful and because right then my mind decided that it was a good idea to recall last night’s dream.

I remembered him. The man who was older, the man who had begged me to tell him that I loved him the same night he begged me to be his girlfriend. The man who broke me beyond repair and went around sleeping with multiple people.

I got over the fact that I wasn’t enough for him, but my heart is shattered and impossible to repair.

There were so many signs that he was unfaithful and I chose to ignore them. Denial is a powerful mistress. And now I tell my stories with stains on my cheeks from dried up tears.

And now I finish my tales with brimming tears, knowing full well I will cry myself to sleep. So my advice? Don’t be like me. If you notice the signs don’t ignore them. The aftermath is much worse than the current doubts.

Truly Yours, Jona Constantine.

The Story of Him: The Beginning

Let me tell you a story. At least what I remember of it. It began about 7, 8 years ago, give or take. I had started tenth grade along side my “newly” made best friend, Jo. She and I had met the previous year and hated each other’s guts. One quick match of chess in which we both yelled “check-mate!” at the same time made us solid best friends for years to come. When tenth grade separated us to two different groups it sucked. We also had no choice in the matter so we would meet for lunch and hang with each other often. (We were quite the loners.)

The year was so slow when it began, but one quarter through the year it began to move a lot quicker. Quicker than I was comfortable with. I didn’t want it to end. You see, one quarter through the year I met him. He was the begining of a horrible ending, I’m sorry to say. Of course that’s not how it started.

I remember I was taking the bus back home. The lady driving had a rule. Boys in the front, girls in the back. She was a grumpy lady and I had a Rosa Parks complex. So that day I sat at the front, the second row on the right side. She hadn’t noticed. Yet. Just as she was getting ready to leave, two guys came rushing in laughing and making a ruckus. They sat in front and I recognized one of them. He was my friend, Marcus, and a bit annoying. His friend was no exception. I was intrigued though. He wasn’t the most good looking guy but there was a lot we had in common. Our conversation flowed for the most part and we laughed a lot. Loud. So loud the bus driver lady noticed me and sent me to the back. Though we were just an acquaintance I couldn’t get the boy out of my head. He was fun, funny, smart, and his personality drew me in. I also didn’t get his name and at the time I couldn’t care less.

I never thought I’d see the guy again. One day, while going to lunch at mine and Jo’s favorite hot dog stand we saw the guys. Marcus, Him and some other dude I’d never seen before. Marcus introduced us, realizing none of us had a clue at names. His, Hector, was the name that would send my world in a twirl. And then there was Rob. But he’s not all that important just yet. We quickly became friends. All of us would spent lunch eating spicy hot dogs and getting in trouble. I found my bravery to try new things with Hector, which included jumping a river. Granted I got wet and so did the rest of my Stuff. All my notebooks were goners.

Always laughing, always smiling, always falling harder for him. I don’t know what it was about him, but every day he changed in my eyes. His looks were not an issue before long because to me it was like he went from a frog to prince charming, no kiss needed. (My money is on puberty.)

So this is the story of Him.

Truly Yours, Jona Constantine

Wrong Questions

I’m excited. I’m ecstatic. I’m overwhelmed. I’m overcome.

“Why do you do this to me? You wanna go to a hooka bar? You never been to a hooka bar? Whaaaaat? You wanna go? We gotta go clubbing and walk The Stars in Hollywood.”

These are the questions that helped bring about a disappointment I should have seen coming. You’re not the same person from high school. Sure even back then you were concerned with things better left for a delinquent. Not that clubbing and hooka is a delinquent affair, but your following words broke my heart.

“Tell em you’ll be with me. I wouldn’t let no one hurt you. You know that.”

Those words are meant to make someone feel safe, cared for, loved and protected. What they did was make me sad because I could hear the message behind them. I knew what they truly meant, what you were involved with and the company you kept. Once your innocence was much like mine. Excited over danger but never really tangled with it. That still stands for at least one of us. I miss who you were. I miss your blissful innocence and harmless meddling with danger, until is became a stressing reality that follows you everywhere.

You asked, playfully “oh unless you don’t want to see me?”

At the time I wouldn’t think twice about seeing you. Now? I’m afraid my pull to you will cloud my better judgment.

I don’t. I don’t want to see you. So this time? Stay away. No matter how many times you get the urge to toy with me, no matter how many times I weaken and reach out to you, no matter how bad our “connection” hurls us together.

But let’s be real. I will never see you again. You toy with my feelings and likely get off on making a fool out of me by convincing me that we are meant for each other. I wonder what would have happened to us if you had never moved away.

Where would we be now? Would the innocence have remained? Were we really meant for each other? Would I have done anything for you now as I would have back then?

Wrong questions.

Truly Yours, Jona Constantine

The Guy In The Cowboy Hat

Hello my lovelies,

I recently quit my job at a marvelous shoe store. My only regret? Not talking to Cowboy Hat.

Ok in all due honesty the job sucked. The people sucked even harder. It was the worst time of my life, but on to bigger and better things. I wouldn’t quit without having something else up my sleeve of course.

Cowboy hat and I exchanged hellos and polite smiles here and there when he would make his rounds in my store, did I mention he was security?

I’m the most shy person I know. There was no way a conversation would strike up, let alone hold up. So I kept to myself, naturally. Now I live in the part of my head that questions “What if?”

Word of advise lovelies? Take a chance, or live your life regretting everything you don’t try.

Short and sweet.

Truly Yours, Jona Constantine

One Contingency, Two Incidents

I have fallen in love. For those of you that believe that falling in love more than once is a myth I assure you it is not. I fell in love once, was at risk of falling in love and then fell in love a second time. Three situations, three different people, one contingency, and two incidents.

I once suffered the full effects of a permanently finalized relationship. It took me forever and a day to finally end it. It was a relationship with many uncertainties. We were on and off for over a year and I wasn’t ready to end it until I found myself at rock bottom. No one knows the real pain that navigates through my heart and plagues my mind. I have told my mother most of the truth because despite everything I can still trust her. I just opted out the parts I know would do more damage than good. Some things are just better left unsaid. Now I’m just trying to get back on my feet, but it’s proven to be very difficult.

Have you ever cried so hard, so deeply, so from the heart that you look yourself in the mirror and suddenly can’t recognize who is staring back at you? I have. It is a terrible experience to not know who you are at times. Take it from me lovelies, love is not something to be messed with. Take it seriously, tread carefully, and be cautious.

Truly Yours, Jona Constantine

No Sales Available

I’m stuck in Pharmacology class listening to a professor that neglects to get and be just a little bit more knowledgeable. I’m so tired, very hungry, and massively thirsty and every soda machine in this tiny ass college is out of order. Talking about “NO SALES AVAILABLE” as if it was out of stock when really it’s filled to the brim and acting necessarily snippy.

Anyway, life has been throwing me shots left and right. It’s getting confusing, but better. It’s a weird combination. Ever since I left the toxic relationship I was in things seem to be improving, but I’m not without my minor issues. Mostly I’m still trying to heal. I’m in pain. Those around me believe that I’m doing just fine, but I’m not. I can’t say that though because no one care how I feel or how much it hurts because everyone else is too busy worrying about their own problems. God knows I’m doing the same so I get it. So I can’t really complain. Let’s me just let it all out…

It hurts so much to know that I gave a year and some change of my life to someone who made me feel more frustration and uncertainty than they did happiness, and love. It hurts to know that this person made me sick, took advantage and manipulated me without giving it much thought, without feeling any sort of guilt. It hurts that I fell so in love only to be easily tossed aside and replaced. It hurts to know that I wasn’t enough. It hurts that I stayed for so long endured so much. It hurts that there were so much doubt rather than endless conversations. It doesn’t hurt that that person is gone, it hurts that that person was never there.

Don’t give yourself completely to someone who won’t do the same. Relationships are a two-way street.

Truly yours, Jona Constantine.

Gym Induced Pain and The Handy Ball Cap

Officially it has been forever. Remember when I said I have a terrible habit to fall off the grid? I don’t blame you if you don’t, but it only goes to show that I have a hard time keeping up with this thing. I miss it though. I miss writing and letting out all my frustrations onto the keyboard.

I’ve been working, studying and going to the gym often. The work and studying is inevitable. But the gym is actually an unnecessary choice. I don’t give a shit about exercising. I don’t want to get fit because I want to be healthy or look good. I couldn’t care less. I actually love how I look. The only reason why I’m going to the gym is because I want to forget. I go to keep my mind busy whenever I have downtime. If not I’d go insane with my thoughts.

I’m alone. I know a while back ago I had a partner and I seemed like I was very happy. But in the time I was away so much happened. I was lied to, manipulated, mistreated, mislead. This has been, by far, the worst of heartbreaks. Now I’m just trying to get back on my feet and deal with the fact that I’ve lost those whom I was closest to. Of course it’s all my fault. While being with my partner I changed so much. I pushed everyone away and lost sight of what was most important to me. I did things I never thought I’d do and now I’m facing the consequences. Little by little I’m getting back on track, but it’s hard. I want to give up most of the time and just disappear into myself.

Being with anyone at all is simply a no no right now. Or any time soon for that matter. My focus needs to be wholly on myself and mending what I broke. Never lose sight of yourself lovelies. It’s a bitch to find your way back.

Truly yours, Jona Constantine.