A Pain Much Greater

So… I’m sick. No worries. Nothing terminal, but it is painful. Extremely.

Today I went to an amusement park with a friend, a friend I had argued with the night before. But we always make up somehow. She finally had the courage to tell me she had been pregnant. Had been, she aborted the baby. A baby that was 8 weeks old. I would have tried to convince her of considering adoption instead.

I wish she would have told me sooner.

I got home and showered. While showering I had this sudden pain, like a knife shooting through, like I’d lost all strength. Then I was curled up in the tub waiting for the pain to go away. All the while tears are coming out because it’s painful and because right then my mind decided that it was a good idea to recall last night’s dream.

I remembered him. The man who was older, the man who had begged me to tell him that I loved him the same night he begged me to be his girlfriend. The man who broke me beyond repair and went around sleeping with multiple people.

I got over the fact that I wasn’t enough for him, but my heart is shattered and impossible to repair.

There were so many signs that he was unfaithful and I chose to ignore them. Denial is a powerful mistress. And now I tell my stories with stains on my cheeks from dried up tears.

And now I finish my tales with brimming tears, knowing full well I will cry myself to sleep. So my advice? Don’t be like me. If you notice the signs don’t ignore them. The aftermath is much worse than the current doubts.

Truly Yours, Jona Constantine.

Wrong Questions

I’m excited. I’m ecstatic. I’m overwhelmed. I’m overcome.

“Why do you do this to me? You wanna go to a hooka bar? You never been to a hooka bar? Whaaaaat? You wanna go? We gotta go clubbing and walk The Stars in Hollywood.”

These are the questions that helped bring about a disappointment I should have seen coming. You’re not the same person from high school. Sure even back then you were concerned with things better left for a delinquent. Not that clubbing and hooka is a delinquent affair, but your following words broke my heart.

“Tell em you’ll be with me. I wouldn’t let no one hurt you. You know that.”

Those words are meant to make someone feel safe, cared for, loved and protected. What they did was make me sad because I could hear the message behind them. I knew what they truly meant, what you were involved with and the company you kept. Once your innocence was much like mine. Excited over danger but never really tangled with it. That still stands for at least one of us. I miss who you were. I miss your blissful innocence and harmless meddling with danger, until is became a stressing reality that follows you everywhere.

You asked, playfully “oh unless you don’t want to see me?”

At the time I wouldn’t think twice about seeing you. Now? I’m afraid my pull to you will cloud my better judgment.

I don’t. I don’t want to see you. So this time? Stay away. No matter how many times you get the urge to toy with me, no matter how many times I weaken and reach out to you, no matter how bad our “connection” hurls us together.

But let’s be real. I will never see you again. You toy with my feelings and likely get off on making a fool out of me by convincing me that we are meant for each other. I wonder what would have happened to us if you had never moved away.

Where would we be now? Would the innocence have remained? Were we really meant for each other? Would I have done anything for you now as I would have back then?

Wrong questions.

Truly Yours, Jona Constantine

Willingly Naive

It took so much of my will power not to text the one person I knew would bring down all of my defenses and still I failed. It took all that was left not to send my heart shattering to pieces, leaving nothing but fine dust and an unrecognizable form of what it used to be.

Distance was key. Distance kept my heart and soul safe. Distance was survival. But distance has no regards for people and their feelings so it disappeared. Distance left and closed a gap that kept me safe and for the most part sane.

I was so willing to plunge into uncertainty despite the consequences and let me tell you, I paid them. I paid them in full and now I hide the hurt from others. I force and push and shove back the one expression that could expose the vacancy in my heart. In a corner is a void that longed to be filled, forced shut for protection and now pried open so wide it might never close again.

You got my hopes up knowing I was weak and defenceless against you. Just your voice was enough to make my heart submit. You hurt me…

Truly Yours, Jona Constantine

One Contingency, Two Incidents

I have fallen in love. For those of you that believe that falling in love more than once is a myth I assure you it is not. I fell in love once, was at risk of falling in love and then fell in love a second time. Three situations, three different people, one contingency, and two incidents.

I once suffered the full effects of a permanently finalized relationship. It took me forever and a day to finally end it. It was a relationship with many uncertainties. We were on and off for over a year and I wasn’t ready to end it until I found myself at rock bottom. No one knows the real pain that navigates through my heart and plagues my mind. I have told my mother most of the truth because despite everything I can still trust her. I just opted out the parts I know would do more damage than good. Some things are just better left unsaid. Now I’m just trying to get back on my feet, but it’s proven to be very difficult.

Have you ever cried so hard, so deeply, so from the heart that you look yourself in the mirror and suddenly can’t recognize who is staring back at you? I have. It is a terrible experience to not know who you are at times. Take it from me lovelies, love is not something to be messed with. Take it seriously, tread carefully, and be cautious.

Truly Yours, Jona Constantine

No Sales Available

I’m stuck in Pharmacology class listening to a professor that neglects to get and be just a little bit more knowledgeable. I’m so tired, very hungry, and massively thirsty and every soda machine in this tiny ass college is out of order. Talking about “NO SALES AVAILABLE” as if it was out of stock when really it’s filled to the brim and acting necessarily snippy.

Anyway, life has been throwing me shots left and right. It’s getting confusing, but better. It’s a weird combination. Ever since I left the toxic relationship I was in things seem to be improving, but I’m not without my minor issues. Mostly I’m still trying to heal. I’m in pain. Those around me believe that I’m doing just fine, but I’m not. I can’t say that though because no one care how I feel or how much it hurts because everyone else is too busy worrying about their own problems. God knows I’m doing the same so I get it. So I can’t really complain. Let’s me just let it all out…

It hurts so much to know that I gave a year and some change of my life to someone who made me feel more frustration and uncertainty than they did happiness, and love. It hurts to know that this person made me sick, took advantage and manipulated me without giving it much thought, without feeling any sort of guilt. It hurts that I fell so in love only to be easily tossed aside and replaced. It hurts to know that I wasn’t enough. It hurts that I stayed for so long endured so much. It hurts that there were so much doubt rather than endless conversations. It doesn’t hurt that that person is gone, it hurts that that person was never there.

Don’t give yourself completely to someone who won’t do the same. Relationships are a two-way street.

Truly yours, Jona Constantine.