A Pain Much Greater

So… I’m sick. No worries. Nothing terminal, but it is painful. Extremely.

Today I went to an amusement park with a friend, a friend I had argued with the night before. But we always make up somehow. She finally had the courage to tell me she had been pregnant. Had been, she aborted the baby. A baby that was 8 weeks old. I would have tried to convince her of considering adoption instead.

I wish she would have told me sooner.

I got home and showered. While showering I had this sudden pain, like a knife shooting through, like I’d lost all strength. Then I was curled up in the tub waiting for the pain to go away. All the while tears are coming out because it’s painful and because right then my mind decided that it was a good idea to recall last night’s dream.

I remembered him. The man who was older, the man who had begged me to tell him that I loved him the same night he begged me to be his girlfriend. The man who broke me beyond repair and went around sleeping with multiple people.

I got over the fact that I wasn’t enough for him, but my heart is shattered and impossible to repair.

There were so many signs that he was unfaithful and I chose to ignore them. Denial is a powerful mistress. And now I tell my stories with stains on my cheeks from dried up tears.

And now I finish my tales with brimming tears, knowing full well I will cry myself to sleep. So my advice? Don’t be like me. If you notice the signs don’t ignore them. The aftermath is much worse than the current doubts.

Truly Yours, Jona Constantine.

No Sales Available

I’m stuck in Pharmacology class listening to a professor that neglects to get and be just a little bit more knowledgeable. I’m so tired, very hungry, and massively thirsty and every soda machine in this tiny ass college is out of order. Talking about “NO SALES AVAILABLE” as if it was out of stock when really it’s filled to the brim and acting necessarily snippy.

Anyway, life has been throwing me shots left and right. It’s getting confusing, but better. It’s a weird combination. Ever since I left the toxic relationship I was in things seem to be improving, but I’m not without my minor issues. Mostly I’m still trying to heal. I’m in pain. Those around me believe that I’m doing just fine, but I’m not. I can’t say that though because no one care how I feel or how much it hurts because everyone else is too busy worrying about their own problems. God knows I’m doing the same so I get it. So I can’t really complain. Let’s me just let it all out…

It hurts so much to know that I gave a year and some change of my life to someone who made me feel more frustration and uncertainty than they did happiness, and love. It hurts to know that this person made me sick, took advantage and manipulated me without giving it much thought, without feeling any sort of guilt. It hurts that I fell so in love only to be easily tossed aside and replaced. It hurts to know that I wasn’t enough. It hurts that I stayed for so long endured so much. It hurts that there were so much doubt rather than endless conversations. It doesn’t hurt that that person is gone, it hurts that that person was never there.

Don’t give yourself completely to someone who won’t do the same. Relationships are a two-way street.

Truly yours, Jona Constantine.

Happy and Confused

Life is complicated. I’ve learned that the hard way. What do you do when life seems so fantastic it must be wrong in one way or another? Do you enjoy it, or do you back away from it slowly?

I come from a family where God is very important. It’s not that I don’t agree, because I do. I really do. I thank God for many things in life. The only issue now is that my life is beginning to change and I’m changing along with. I am not the same person I was 5 years ago and I do not agree with many things my family believes.

Here is my issue. I’ve been through hell and back. I’ve gone through the worst relationships you could imagine, but now I’ve found someone. The only thing that posses an issue here is the fact that this person is much older than I am. 14 years of difference. I don’t mind, but I know my family will go insane if they ever find out. Another thing is that I’ve lost my virginity long before I met this new person in my life. My family does not know or else I’d have been disowned by now. A couple of months back I had gotten a second piercing on my ear lobe. That didn’t pass by without a quite the argument.

Point is, I’m different and I know my family wont like it when I finally revile myself to them. They might cast me aside as they did my aunt. I know that once I get the tattoo I want they will scream so loud the heavens will hear it. I don’t want to be afraid to be myself.

Truly yours, Jona Constantine