Spaced Conversations



It was a picture. I wasn’t expecting it and when I saw you I broke and reverted to 16 year old me. I got giddy, happy and terrified all at once. When I responded you disappeared for a little over a week.

A second picture. This time with a caption, “miss you.” And I knew it was a lie but I didn’t care. I told you I missed you too and I meant it. You disappeared again and because I cant help it I reached out. The shortest conversation ever took place, a quick exchange that strained two responses out of you before radio silence took over a few days.

“Send me a picture,” is what I got next. Stupid in love, even after so many years, I did. We flirted and teased and then you were gone.

I should know better. I do know better, but his hold on me is unlike any other. My love life has been far from fairy tale like and I know I’ll have to live with it because the decisions I make cannot be changed by anyone but me and unfortunately a stupidity hopefully part of me still think there could still be a chance for you and me. There isn’t.

Don’t pine for someone who doesn’t fight for you like you have fought for them, lovelies.

Truly Yours, Jona Constantine.

A Pain Much Greater

So… I’m sick. No worries. Nothing terminal, but it is painful. Extremely.

Today I went to an amusement park with a friend, a friend I had argued with the night before. But we always make up somehow. She finally had the courage to tell me she had been pregnant. Had been, she aborted the baby. A baby that was 8 weeks old. I would have tried to convince her of considering adoption instead.

I wish she would have told me sooner.

I got home and showered. While showering I had this sudden pain, like a knife shooting through, like I’d lost all strength. Then I was curled up in the tub waiting for the pain to go away. All the while tears are coming out because it’s painful and because right then my mind decided that it was a good idea to recall last night’s dream.

I remembered him. The man who was older, the man who had begged me to tell him that I loved him the same night he begged me to be his girlfriend. The man who broke me beyond repair and went around sleeping with multiple people.

I got over the fact that I wasn’t enough for him, but my heart is shattered and impossible to repair.

There were so many signs that he was unfaithful and I chose to ignore them. Denial is a powerful mistress. And now I tell my stories with stains on my cheeks from dried up tears.

And now I finish my tales with brimming tears, knowing full well I will cry myself to sleep. So my advice? Don’t be like me. If you notice the signs don’t ignore them. The aftermath is much worse than the current doubts.

Truly Yours, Jona Constantine.

No Sales Available

I’m stuck in Pharmacology class listening to a professor that neglects to get and be just a little bit more knowledgeable. I’m so tired, very hungry, and massively thirsty and every soda machine in this tiny ass college is out of order. Talking about “NO SALES AVAILABLE” as if it was out of stock when really it’s filled to the brim and acting necessarily snippy.

Anyway, life has been throwing me shots left and right. It’s getting confusing, but better. It’s a weird combination. Ever since I left the toxic relationship I was in things seem to be improving, but I’m not without my minor issues. Mostly I’m still trying to heal. I’m in pain. Those around me believe that I’m doing just fine, but I’m not. I can’t say that though because no one care how I feel or how much it hurts because everyone else is too busy worrying about their own problems. God knows I’m doing the same so I get it. So I can’t really complain. Let’s me just let it all out…

It hurts so much to know that I gave a year and some change of my life to someone who made me feel more frustration and uncertainty than they did happiness, and love. It hurts to know that this person made me sick, took advantage and manipulated me without giving it much thought, without feeling any sort of guilt. It hurts that I fell so in love only to be easily tossed aside and replaced. It hurts to know that I wasn’t enough. It hurts that I stayed for so long endured so much. It hurts that there were so much doubt rather than endless conversations. It doesn’t hurt that that person is gone, it hurts that that person was never there.

Don’t give yourself completely to someone who won’t do the same. Relationships are a two-way street.

Truly yours, Jona Constantine.

The Neon Yellow Bag and a Bus Ride

So I bundle up because it’s cold like you don’t even know here. Half way to the bus stop I see the bus run by. I slow down my pace because it will take about 10 minutes for the next one. Can you believe I get to the stop and there’s another bus waiting for the green light? This is how I know I’m about to have a pretty decent day. Or at least my faintly optimistic self hopes. 

Now I’m here, sitting in the bus, waiting to arrive to my destination and feeling like a neon sign with this bright ass bag. I just know I’m getting looks.

Stay positive lovelies. I know that’s an ironic request coming from me, but even sad people need to look forward to that faint light at the end of the tunnel. Keep your eyes and your heart wide open.

Truly yours, Jona Constantine.

Feelings, Music, and Mistakes

Life has been so complicated. It seems it will never get better. My family sees me and tells me how sad I look, how exhausted, and simply done with life I seem to be. What’s worse is that they make these observations and dare tell me that everything will be ok. But will it? You don’t know that. What’s for you will come, life will get better, focus on yourself right now. I can’t seem to make people shut up about it.

Will it get better? How do you know? Don’t you understand? There’s a fear in me that you will never understand. Not because it’s worse than whatever you have been through, but because you are not me and you can’t possibly know just how my life situations affect me. Don’t try to put yourself in my shoes either because though you may be my same size it will never be the same fit.

I guess the shoe analogy is fitting. I work in a shoe store. Ha… Anyway. Point is that I am and look sad and even though I know that if I really tried I could maybe make myself feel better, but instead I listen to depressing music and make the feelings that are already there even worse. And then I act on that sadness. I impulsively make mistakes and dig myself into a deeper hole.

Moral of this story? Don’t listen to sad music?

Truly yours, Jona Constantine.

Gym Induced Pain and The Handy Ball Cap

Officially it has been forever. Remember when I said I have a terrible habit to fall off the grid? I don’t blame you if you don’t, but it only goes to show that I have a hard time keeping up with this thing. I miss it though. I miss writing and letting out all my frustrations onto the keyboard.

I’ve been working, studying and going to the gym often. The work and studying is inevitable. But the gym is actually an unnecessary choice. I don’t give a shit about exercising. I don’t want to get fit because I want to be healthy or look good. I couldn’t care less. I actually love how I look. The only reason why I’m going to the gym is because I want to forget. I go to keep my mind busy whenever I have downtime. If not I’d go insane with my thoughts.

I’m alone. I know a while back ago I had a partner and I seemed like I was very happy. But in the time I was away so much happened. I was lied to, manipulated, mistreated, mislead. This has been, by far, the worst of heartbreaks. Now I’m just trying to get back on my feet and deal with the fact that I’ve lost those whom I was closest to. Of course it’s all my fault. While being with my partner I changed so much. I pushed everyone away and lost sight of what was most important to me. I did things I never thought I’d do and now I’m facing the consequences. Little by little I’m getting back on track, but it’s hard. I want to give up most of the time and just disappear into myself.

Being with anyone at all is simply a no no right now. Or any time soon for that matter. My focus needs to be wholly on myself and mending what I broke. Never lose sight of yourself lovelies. It’s a bitch to find your way back.

Truly yours, Jona Constantine.

Honey Lemon Morning

I shouldn’t be here. There is homework to be done. things to get caught up on. It just so happens that the best entries always come when I should be too busy with other things. Has that ever happened to you? When your mind should be the busiest it’s when it clears up and you know exactly what to write?

Life has given me plenty of ups and downs the last several weeks. College has become a bitch, but currently a more bearable one. I’ve been and left someone and now have someone new in my life. Well, newish. I’ve known this person for nearly a year in July. Just recently we became official. It’s nice. For the first time ever I’m not worried about the future. Not that i don’t want one, but I’m more focused on the here and now. Which is a nice change of pace for someone like me.

Just yesterday I was taking the train home. I was listening to my favorite music and attempting so desperately to write a letter. I wasn’t sure if I was going to give it to the person I’m currently with or not. That was something I would decide after I had written it. Point is that i was failing miserably. Suddenly, in one of the stops, a young lady (most likely older than I though) climbed on the train and sat beside me. I looked at her features. She was beautiful. I looked at her clothing, very business like and professional. The next thing I looked at was her hands. I was searching for any sign of commitment. Unfortunately her left hand was blocked by her phone. I’m quite the social and talkative person, always have been. My issue is that i caught a fear of speaking to people over the years. Where that fear originated is a mystery to me. I decided to take my first step in overcoming it, it took me several minutes but I mustered up the courage to start a conversation with her.

At first she thought I was into her. I asked her if she was married or had a boyfriend. I understand how starting off with a question like that can be misleading. I continued though and asked her what I really wanted to know. “Are you in love with him? And if so how do you know?”

She opened my eyes to so much. She gave me her opinion on it. She said that she can be quite the ball buster, but her and her significant other love each other because they may not have the same goals, but they are on the same team. They support each other and are two people simply making a relationship work. She is not worried if it does not work out, because if it doesn’t it’s not like she will regret marrying him. They challenge each other.

Once she left I went back to my letter. I crossed off all i had written and beneath it wrote the one and only thing that mattered at the time.

“I love you.”

Don’t let the fear of falling in love keep you from loving at all. It could leave you hollow and sad. I’ve learned through trial and error. It is never a good a idea to close off your heart, even if it hurts and it’s been broken countless times. It is much harder to love with a heart that has mostly given up.

Truly yours, Jona Constantine

 

Who Are You?: A Short Bio

One of the hardest things in life, I find, is when these websites such as Facebook, instagram, and twitter ask you for a short Bio. What am I supposed to write?

“Hi. I’m Jona and I’m a shy, self-destructive, asthma ridden freak with fake friends here and there.”

That doesn’t sound right, it’s true, but it just wouldn’t appeal to people. Seriously though, I always find myself the slightest bit flustered and I get these mini heart attacks because suddenly I forget who I really am and what’s worse? I start sugar coating the truth. I don’t particularly care what people think of me, but it’s not like I’m crazy about exposing myself either. Let’s try being honest. Here it goes.

“Hi. I’m Jona. I don’t have a lot of friends, and it’s hard to express myself verbaly. I’m quite imaginative and slightly hardworking. I don’t really like being outdoors and I’ll take a good book any day over conversing with people. I’m not entirely antisocial. I have my moments. I make silly, horrible jokes and try hard not to punch every idiot that can’t filter their thoughts and comments.”

I hope you all take a little bit of your time to share with me who you really are. (If only a little)

Truly yours, Jona Constantine.

P.S. I kept having to edit this freaking post. I should really be more attentive.

HA!

My boss is a jerk. A grade A asshole and a petty one at that. Have any of you ever had that kind of boss? Pffft what am I asking? Of course ya’ll have. Everyone has. These people are everywhere and honestly someone should put all them in one room and tell em what moronic bastards they all are.

Who the hell schedules someone that has never worked weekends to work on a Sunday? I mean why? Just because in his availability form he wrote that he can’t work weekends? It’s nothing new. Only that stupid form is new. You already knew since day one of hiring that person that he wouldn’t work weekends. You’re just a petty son of a witch and you want to make that person’s life miserable.

Now my boss decided to pull a dick move on me. I requested one day off because I had a school event and now he cut back my hours. What. The. Actual…

A word of not so great advice? Flip off your boss.

Truly yours, Jona Constantine.

Another Friendly Confession

College is crap. Not that a lot of us has a choice in the matter, but college should be destroyed. Am I right? Of course I am.

Anyway, I have an informative speech today and let me tell you, it’s had me by the neck. I’m not very good with public speaking and most of the time I feel like throwing up or throwing a shoe at everyone. It’s ok though… Not! I haven’t had coffee and I’m surviving on orange juice. Orange. Freaking. Juice. Not fun. I better get going. Gotta give the impression of a responsible student by arriving early at least. Maybe the projector will decide to have a stroke and the whole thing will be postponed. One can only hope.

Truly yours, Jona Constantine.