Feelings, Music, and Mistakes

Life has been so complicated. It seems it will never get better. My family sees me and tells me how sad I look, how exhausted, and simply done with life I seem to be. What’s worse is that they make these observations and dare tell me that everything will be ok. But will it? You don’t know that. What’s for you will come, life will get better, focus on yourself right now. I can’t seem to make people shut up about it.

Will it get better? How do you know? Don’t you understand? There’s a fear in me that you will never understand. Not because it’s worse than whatever you have been through, but because you are not me and you can’t possibly know just how my life situations affect me. Don’t try to put yourself in my shoes either because though you may be my same size it will never be the same fit.

I guess the shoe analogy is fitting. I work in a shoe store. Ha… Anyway. Point is that I am and look sad and even though I know that if I really tried I could maybe make myself feel better, but instead I listen to depressing music and make the feelings that are already there even worse. And then I act on that sadness. I impulsively make mistakes and dig myself into a deeper hole.

Moral of this story? Don’t listen to sad music?

Truly yours, Jona Constantine.

Hidden Under the Covers

I feel alone. It’s very depressing when you want to enjoy life so bad, but all the small things are like a tsunami. They wreak havoc and leave no surviving thoughts of happiness. I say they are small, but really I’m aware of how dangerously colossal they are to one so emotion as myself. My life has gone all topsy turvy and I wait for the day when I wake up and I’m actually eager to start my day. As opposed to curling back up under the covers and hiding from the world and all its realities. How do I treat a broken heart? Or is there no true cure?

Truly yours, Jonathan Constantine.

Gym Induced Pain and The Handy Ball Cap

Officially it has been forever. Remember when I said I have a terrible habit to fall off the grid? I don’t blame you if you don’t, but it only goes to show that I have a hard time keeping up with this thing. I miss it though. I miss writing and letting out all my frustrations onto the keyboard.

I’ve been working, studying and going to the gym often. The work and studying is inevitable. But the gym is actually an unnecessary choice. I don’t give a shit about exercising. I don’t want to get fit because I want to be healthy or look good. I couldn’t care less. I actually love how I look. The only reason why I’m going to the gym is because I want to forget. I go to keep my mind busy whenever I have downtime. If not I’d go insane with my thoughts.

I’m alone. I know a while back ago I had a partner and I seemed like I was very happy. But in the time I was away so much happened. I was lied to, manipulated, mistreated, mislead. This has been, by far, the worst of heartbreaks. Now I’m just trying to get back on my feet and deal with the fact that I’ve lost those whom I was closest to. Of course it’s all my fault. While being with my partner I changed so much. I pushed everyone away and lost sight of what was most important to me. I did things I never thought I’d do and now I’m facing the consequences. Little by little I’m getting back on track, but it’s hard. I want to give up most of the time and just disappear into myself.

Being with anyone at all is simply a no no right now. Or any time soon for that matter. My focus needs to be wholly on myself and mending what I broke. Never lose sight of yourself lovelies. It’s a bitch to find your way back.

Truly yours, Jona Constantine.

Nutrisystem And The Rouge Breast Turkey Ham

Early in the morning what do you expect? Certainly not to be told that there may or may not be classes. I wake up to learn that there may not be classes, mind you I’m already half way to the college. So now I’m half hopeful, half frustrated because I’d be more than glad to go home and sleep, but I’ve already made it this far AND I have work later on.

Of course there’s classes today. I know that all too well, or else I’d have gotten an email that would say otherwise. I get on the bus that will take me the rest of the way to college and my friend Andy is there. We talk, we laugh. It’s all normal. We get to the college and we sit down along with our other friend Em. Andy pulls out a sandwich and good golly gosh I’m close to snatching it away if only to get a piece of the ham. All I had this morning was the chocolate muffin the Nutrisystem brings and I’m pretty sure that I won’t survive on that the rest of the morning. So Andy offers half the sandwich and I refuse, putting my strong will into action. Then she offers a piece of the turkey ham… I couldn’t help myself. I ripped a piece and ate it like it was the most glorious thing in the world.

I guess this post doesn’t have much of a point. Don’t starve yourselves kids.

Truly yours, Jona Constantine

90° But it Feels Like 97°

Hello lovelies. It’s been forever. I have a terrible habit of falling off the grid. I know.

Lately I’ve been super busy. Went on my first work trip ever last week and I’ve been picking up insane hours. The problem with all that? My body is not used to this much work and so last night it finally gave in. I had an asthma attack, vomited, and had a panic attack all at the same time. Not fun. Got my partner worried. It got me scolded quite severely. “You need to take better care of yourself, Jona.”

I know that. Better and more than anyone. Anyway, I’ll be trying to update more often. It’s just hard these days to sit down and write.

Truly yours, Jona Constantine

Honey Lemon Morning

I shouldn’t be here. There is homework to be done. things to get caught up on. It just so happens that the best entries always come when I should be too busy with other things. Has that ever happened to you? When your mind should be the busiest it’s when it clears up and you know exactly what to write?

Life has given me plenty of ups and downs the last several weeks. College has become a bitch, but currently a more bearable one. I’ve been and left someone and now have someone new in my life. Well, newish. I’ve known this person for nearly a year in July. Just recently we became official. It’s nice. For the first time ever I’m not worried about the future. Not that i don’t want one, but I’m more focused on the here and now. Which is a nice change of pace for someone like me.

Just yesterday I was taking the train home. I was listening to my favorite music and attempting so desperately to write a letter. I wasn’t sure if I was going to give it to the person I’m currently with or not. That was something I would decide after I had written it. Point is that i was failing miserably. Suddenly, in one of the stops, a young lady (most likely older than I though) climbed on the train and sat beside me. I looked at her features. She was beautiful. I looked at her clothing, very business like and professional. The next thing I looked at was her hands. I was searching for any sign of commitment. Unfortunately her left hand was blocked by her phone. I’m quite the social and talkative person, always have been. My issue is that i caught a fear of speaking to people over the years. Where that fear originated is a mystery to me. I decided to take my first step in overcoming it, it took me several minutes but I mustered up the courage to start a conversation with her.

At first she thought I was into her. I asked her if she was married or had a boyfriend. I understand how starting off with a question like that can be misleading. I continued though and asked her what I really wanted to know. “Are you in love with him? And if so how do you know?”

She opened my eyes to so much. She gave me her opinion on it. She said that she can be quite the ball buster, but her and her significant other love each other because they may not have the same goals, but they are on the same team. They support each other and are two people simply making a relationship work. She is not worried if it does not work out, because if it doesn’t it’s not like she will regret marrying him. They challenge each other.

Once she left I went back to my letter. I crossed off all i had written and beneath it wrote the one and only thing that mattered at the time.

“I love you.”

Don’t let the fear of falling in love keep you from loving at all. It could leave you hollow and sad. I’ve learned through trial and error. It is never a good a idea to close off your heart, even if it hurts and it’s been broken countless times. It is much harder to love with a heart that has mostly given up.

Truly yours, Jona Constantine

 

Happy and Confused

Life is complicated. I’ve learned that the hard way. What do you do when life seems so fantastic it must be wrong in one way or another? Do you enjoy it, or do you back away from it slowly?

I come from a family where God is very important. It’s not that I don’t agree, because I do. I really do. I thank God for many things in life. The only issue now is that my life is beginning to change and I’m changing along with. I am not the same person I was 5 years ago and I do not agree with many things my family believes.

Here is my issue. I’ve been through hell and back. I’ve gone through the worst relationships you could imagine, but now I’ve found someone. The only thing that posses an issue here is the fact that this person is much older than I am. 14 years of difference. I don’t mind, but I know my family will go insane if they ever find out. Another thing is that I’ve lost my virginity long before I met this new person in my life. My family does not know or else I’d have been disowned by now. A couple of months back I had gotten a second piercing on my ear lobe. That didn’t pass by without a quite the argument.

Point is, I’m different and I know my family wont like it when I finally revile myself to them. They might cast me aside as they did my aunt. I know that once I get the tattoo I want they will scream so loud the heavens will hear it. I don’t want to be afraid to be myself.

Truly yours, Jona Constantine

Self-discovery And All That Bullshit

It has been forever. Hey guys. How’s it going?

Let me tell you a little bit about how life is going. It’s crap. Complete and utter crap. I hate my classes and I’m single! Ha! Story of my life. Then again, I did end things myself. But, that topic deserves a post all of its own. Anyway! I’m exaggerating. Life’s not so bad. Could be worse. I’m going through that whole self discovery bit of life I’m sure everyone dreads. Am I right? I’m 21 though. You’d think I was done taking that hellish journey apparently everyone has to take. *sigh.*

Truly yours, Jona Constantine.

Pop-Tarts and Lemon-Lime Gatorade

This is take two at a day filled with homework and a monstrous midterm. I’ve begun the day with two of my favorite treats and I’m hoping that this midterm will actually be a breeze compared to the chemistry test I took yesterday. That doesn’t seem very likely, but I’m pretty optimistic.

Now, I’m gonna go subject myself to a world of pain and hellish questions. See ya, guys.

Truly yours, Jona Constantine.

Pain, Homework, and Lemon-Lime Gatorade

I’ve been gone for a while. I hope I didn’t lose what little people were actually reading my stuff. If I did, I apologize. I have to admit that I slacked off at first, but when I decided to pick up where I left off homework started pilling up and then it was nearly impossible to have some time to myself.

I’m currently avoiding some homework actually. It is due today by 1, but I doubt I’ll be doing it. I don’t usually just say fuck it and not do my homework, but this particular assignment is too much for me right now. I’m tired, sleepy, my nose is acting up, and my neck and shoulders hurt like a mother.

Oh! And let’s not forget the test I have in about 30 minutes…

I want to crawl in my bed and never leave it.

Truly yours, Jona Constantine.